Before the Fall (A Collection of Shenko Drabbles)
by rachelamberish
Summary: She opens her eyes to look at Kaidan's lust-filled brown ones and decides, all at once, that she wants to give this man the universe.
1. After Virmire

_**1.** **After Virmire**_

She was dead. That was it. Gone. Dead dead dead dead. And it was all _her_ goddamn fault. This war had taken her pride, her certainty, and now it had taken her best friend. Ash would never get married, or have children. She would never crack a joke, or manage a smirk. She'd never stare at LT's ass, or urge Shepard to "go for it". She'd never recite poetry, or mark her father's grave with flowers. Instead, her best friend would be spending the remaining time of this universe's hollow existence as dust among piles of rubble. She was twenty-one, and she was just dead.

She tried to imagine all the ways she could have died, just to make herself feel worse. Gunned down by Geth, or did she shoot herself, knowing her inevitable fate? Did she even have to wait for that, or did she set off the bomb before any Geth could get to her? Did she sit there in silence for half an hour, damning Shepard to hell? Knowing _exactly_ why it was her being left to die while everyone else fled, instead of the Lieutenant?

Shepard thinks that's probably closer to how it went.

She recycles her last conversation with Ash in her head as she sits nude with her knees tucked to her chin under the scalding hot shower water and cries. She hears Ash's voice and the point at which it was evident that she knew Shepard wasn't choosing her. That Shepard was purposefully abandoning her for Kaidan. She remembers having to hear Ash say, 'That's okay, Skipper. I understand,", as if Shepard had just told her she couldn't attend a party, or that she was going to be late to lunch. She remembers the fear in her voice. She'll remember it the rest of her life.

Shepard was twenty-nine; Kaidan thirty-two. They left a girl who was practically a _child_ to her own fate. She doesn't think Ashley died with honor, or that her sacrifice meant something for 'the future of the galaxy', like everyone had tried to tell her; like they drilled into her the first day of training. She thinks she died scared, helpless and alone after her entire crew abandoned her. She thinks she died knowing that Shepard had doomed her to that fate.

She also thinks that Kaidan is the only one that understands that. But she still can't bring herself to look at him.

Shepard turns the water off, and throws on a v-neck and yoga pants. She doesn't dry herself off. She doesn't put her wet hair up in a ponytail. She doesn't even put on her uniform jumpsuit. To hell with the Alliance. To hell with Kaidan, to hell with Anderson, to hell with Saren. _God damn them all to hell._

She trudges on down to the cargo bay, slamming her fist on the elevator button. There is a permanent scowl on her face until she releases all her damned pent-up aggression. There are two ways Jane Shepard knows how to do that: fighting and sex. And since her sex life had rapidly deteriorated since becoming a Spectre, inheriting the Normandy, and having practically all the responsibility in the galaxy dropped on her shoulders, she doesn't think the latter is really an option.

When she's down on the cargo bay, she wraps up her hands, and scrubs them furiously with chalk. She hopes she bleeds. The boxing gloves wiggle on, and she turns to face the punching bag. _Ash's_ punching bag. Doesn't look like she'll be needing it any more.

Of course she doesn't notice that she's being watched from across the cargo bay, especially now when she's at her most vulnerable: tears running down her lightly freckled face, hair wet and askew, and old mascara all a blob now. She punches the hell out of that bag, though. She imagines it's Saren once, but mostly she imagines it's Kaidan. She wants to kill him for making her love him.

It's not so much a surprise to her though, when strong arms wrap around her waist, and a head is buried into her shoulder, stopping her from moving. She figured he'd find her; know she was down here looking at Ash's old things and releasing her anger on an old, beat up punching bag. She hates how he knows her so well.

"Jane," He mutters against her skin. "Stop this."

She shrugs him off violently, struggling against his strong grip. But he gets the picture and lets go. "That's _Commander_ , Staff Lieutenant. Don't touch me." She doesn't look at him. But she doesn't move, either.

He stands behind her, aghast at how quickly the woman he'd grown to love beyond what he'd ever be comfortable admitting, could change personalities so quickly. That above all things, _that_ was her way of dealing with crisis: shutting everyone out. He never thought she'd be the type.

"Alright, _Commander._ Do you want me to salute you every time I see you, too? Kiss ass? Worship the goddamn hallowed ground you walk on, is that what you want?!"

A glove flies off instantly, and her fist is attached to his cheek before he can move out of the way. She doesn't want boxing gloves covering her hands for this. She wants to feel her skin bruise his. She wants to feel how badly she hurts him; wants to make him bleed. And even then, it won't come close to leveling the playing field for what Ash had to go through to make sure his precious ass got off that planet alive.

The punch hurts like hell, but he stands his ground.

"I want you to show some goddamn respect for your superiors, Staff Lieutenant." She spews at him.

"Yeah, I thought that might be it," he starts, venom ever-present in his tone. "You blame me for Ash's death."

"And why shouldn't I?"

"Because you're so busy placing blame to deal with your pain, that you're blind to everyone else's!"

This stops her in her tracks. She isn't quite sure what to say afterwards. Luckily, he finds the words for her.

"Do you honestly believe that you're the only one who's absolutely devastated, Shepard? That you are the only person on this entire goddamn ship that's in mourning right now? _Everyone_ is in pain. Liara's locked herself in her quarters. Garrus hasn't said a word since we got back, and _Joker_ —oh, get this—aside from the fact that he couldn't look at me in the eyes when we came back, Joker's cut all comm channels and sealed the cockpit. You are such a selfish _bitch_ , that you decide it's okay to shut everyone out when anything bad happens to you, because that's how the _great_ Commander Shepard deals with her fucking problems!"

There's another blow to his face, this time harder, and causes his nose to bleed. He doesn't hold it, he just lets the blood go. She watches. It gives her the strangest sense of satisfaction. Her raised eyebrow is her dare for him to continue. He does.

"You sent a girl to _die_!"

"Oh _thank you_ , Lieutenant! I didn't notice!"

"IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!"

"…I couldn't do that, LT. You know that."

She found herself surprisingly upset that he seemed to have nothing but hate for her in this moment. In all her rage towards him…maybe that's how she felt, too. Maybe she hated herself more than anyone.

"Do I? I never _forced_ you to make that decision! I told you to save her, damn it! I screamed at you over the comm line as you _ordered_ Ash to sacrifice herself for the rest of us! _You_ made that choice, Shepard! It was _your_ choice and _your_ goddamn fault!"

His anger doesn't go away, and before she can stop herself, Shepard follows suit. "And you think I don't fucking know that? Why do you think I'm down here? To get a good work-out in? You fucking asshole!"

"Oh, I know why you're down here. To hide from your fucking guilt. All of this bullshit of yours is just a cover-up for the real reason you left Ash to die."

"Which is?!"

"Because you're in love with me, goddamn it! You left that girl to die because you _let yourself_ become emotionally attached! And now that girl is _dead_ because of _this_!" He gestures between them.

She raises her fist to strike him again. "You fucking bastard— "

He grabs her wrist in mid-air and pulls her flush against him. She struggles to wrench her hand free, but she knows that will never happen. His words are low and husky, and spoken through gritted teeth.

"I _can't_ …I'm not okay right now, Shepard." His voice cracks on her name, and instantly his act is broken. The nature of their whole fight is revealed with a single slip. A tear falls down his cheek. Both of them wanted nothing more than to have died in Ash's place, and they still want that now, pathetically standing here in all their grief and agony.

Her response is venomous. "Let go of me, Staff Lieutenant."

Instead, his grip tightens. "That's _Kaidan_ to you, ma'am."

And so they just stand there, staring at each other, seeing who will make the inevitable first move.

Because, in truth, she's looking into his eyes and thinking she'd like nothing more than to fuck him senseless. Not make love, not have sex. No— _fuck_ is the appropriate word. She wants to love him so much that it hurts him. Hurts her, even. She wants to run her nails down his back so hard that he bleeds. Wants to take a knife and carve her initials into his chest.

When his mouth is forced against hers, and her back slammed violently against the cold metal wall, it's no surprise. He grabs her other wrist and pins her hands above her with one of his as her legs wrap around his hips, drawing him closer to her. She needs as much flesh on flesh contact with this man as she possibly can.

His tongue is shoved down her throat as the two battle for dominance by bucking their hips against the other as violently as possible. Everything about this is violent. It's exactly how they want it.

His hands flirt with the hem of her shirt for a while, before his thumbs hook on to the top of her pants, occasionally dipping down to trace the line of her panties. His mouth moves to her jawline, and his tongue licks a path delicately down her neck. When he reaches the juncture of her neck and shoulder, he bites down hard, making her squirm and moan. The sounds he elicits from her put a smirk on his face. He sucks on the mark he made, and his name comes from her lips in the form of another moan. He proceeds to nip gently at her collarbone, and more moans follow.

"Mmm…you like that?" He grins against her flesh.

 _Like that?_ She'd _kill_ for that. She'd….oh, God.

Her response comes out as a strangled groan. He continues his assault on her collarbone.

"Mm, Shepard, I have to say, I feel like…like this is a bit uncouth. I'd hate to…to take advantage of you."

His hands grope every curve on her body—her breasts, her hips, and…in between. His hand moves to her clothed core and strokes her there, a wicked smile on his lips.

"Yeah?" she breathes into his lips as he reattaches his to her own in a heated kiss.

"Yeah. But that feeling is nothing compared to how badly I want to fuck you right now." He punctuates his statement by grinding his aroused member into her core, leaving her breathless.

"Ah…well, uhm…" her confidence falters.

He smirks and unwinds her legs from around him, detaching his lips from hers and grabbing her arm, pulling his very willing C.O. towards the elevator. She's slamming on to the elevator buttons now for a very different reason altogether, and he's joining her. In fact, they're smiling and laughing and all the things they shouldn't be at a time like this. They act like two hormonal teenagers, not two grown adults who lost their best friend not but a few hours ago.

She can barely breathe the moment she walks in her quarters before he's got her slammed against the wall again and is nipping at her neck. Clothes are ripped off in shreds—her bra and panties thrown to the side without a second glance. The sight of her naked, being more beautiful than Kaidan had ever imagined in his frequent erotic daydreams (the only salvation from his awful migraines), has him at risk of taking her right then and there.

She leans in so her lips ghost his earlobe, her voice a whisper. "I think you should act on your _feeling_."

His moan is guttural, and she smirks at his reaction before he ravages her neck once more. One of his hands travels down the side of her breast, her waist, and then her upper thigh before making it to its ultimate destination.

"God, Jane, you're so wet." He tells her, breath leaving tingles down her neck. She bucks her hips against his hand.

When his finger is inside of her, it's wonderful enough, and she whimpers in response. But it's when his biotics flare and a jolt of electricity is sent through her core and spreads to the rest of her body that she absolutely screams. It wasn't the first time he had used his biotics in bed with a woman, but it was the first time he was so pleased with the reaction it garnered.

He kisses her and she smirks into his lips.

"Neat trick." She gets out. "Can you do it with your tongue?"

He swears he could cry right then and there—tears of pure ecstasy.

She manages to get a good look in his eyes, and sees they are completely clouded over with lust. She can barely make out the brown irises that she found so gorgeous. She cries out.

After time passes and it's done, they're lying in her cot, and he's stroking her bare back as she dozes off. Her red hair is strewn about the white pillow behind her. He thinks, fleetingly, that it's like a fire rising from her scalp.


	2. Before Ilos

_**2\. Before Ilos**_

"Commander?" the voice is timid, as is the knock on her wall. He's already entered through the door—he needed to see her. He wasn't so much asking permission to enter as he was asking permission to be with her.

She turns her head from her desk to side-eye him.

"Not tonight, Kaidan. You're dismissed." Is all she says.

"Commander, don't pretend that you're not working yourself up about all this."

"We're a little past titles, don't you think?" she half-jokes.

"We're a little past a lot of things, Jane."

"You're right about that." She chuckles, dryly.

"You need to relax. We're over the hill. Honestly, we can't break many more Alliance regs than we already have."

"A convenient statement from a man who's here to fuck his commanding officer."

"That's not what—"

"Yes it is." She stands up to face him. "I'm not here for you to work out stress on, Lieutenant. If that's what this is to you, then I suggest we stop now. It was a mistake to do it the first time."

He storms over to her and grabs her wrist violently in his hand.

" _This_ was not a mistake!"

"It was!" she screams back at him, and then turns to lean over her desk, planting two hands on its surface. "Now get out."

"Jane, I love you." He says, so fast she almost doesn't catch it.

Her back straightens out, and her features soften.

"What did you say?" she's incredulous.

"I love you. I think about losing you and I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I, we are what's important right now. Us. Shepard, you make me feel…human."

He's closer to her now, his eyes saddened. She sees on his features that he did not come here expecting her to accept him. He came here to say his peace. He thinks we'll die tomorrow, she realizes. She was a fool to think even for a second that the Lieutenant was using her. He loved her from the start. He's probably loved her for years, and how…how did she not see this before?

While she is unresponsive and processing his confession of love, he sighs and shakes his head.

"Anyway, I…. before we get to Ilos, you should know, it's been an honor serving under you, Shepard."

She's silent some more for a moment, before closing the gap between them. He's slightly taken aback, and becomes completely still.

"Kaidan, I don't think I've had the honor of you serving _under_ me before. I think perhaps it's time to rectify that."

His eyes widen as her features turn wicked.

"Shepard, I…I don't…"

She leans up and kisses his forehead, then down the length of his nose, all the way to his slightly parted lips, which she licks before she kisses.

"I can make you feel _much_ more than just human, Kaidan." Her voice has turned entirely sultry, boiling over with lust. "Try me."

She's pressed herself flush against him and can feel his arousal against her stomach, fueling her confidence. But before she can do anything else, he grabs ahold of her wrists, as if snapping back into reality from wherever he was.

"Shepard…I love what we've had since…since, well, Virmire, don't get me wrong." He smirks at the memory. "But Jane, I want to make love to you. And I want to do it tonight. Before I can't anymore."

He drops her arms and she looks lovingly at him, the faintest smile on her lips.

"Then stop talking about it and do it already, Lieutenant."

She's in his arms before she can say anything else, and his lips are kissing hers more fervently than ever before. He's guiding her back to the bed as he expertly pulls off her shirt and pants. Next are her bra and panties, and she's nude before him—this perfect picture of beauty.

She whines in protest of his fully clothed body, but he grabs ahold of her arms and gently but firmly pins them against her head as he lays her down on the bed. He kisses from her chin down her neck and in the plane between her breasts. Down her stomach, and to her core. When she feels the unfamiliar sensation of his mouth on her sex she lets out a sharp cry. He thinks he wants the whole _damn ship_ to hear how amazing he makes her feel.

He looks up at her down the valley of her chest, reminding himself of how goddamned radiant Jane Shepard was. And she was his.

* * *

 **A/N**

Thank you to everyone reading-there's more to come! All feedback appreciated. :-)


	3. Under House Arrest

**Warning:  
**

Hey, friends. This chapter has some hints of Shepard/Vega. If that's not something you're about, come back tomorrow for a chapter with...less of that. Enjoy! :-)

* * *

 _ **3\. Under House Arrest**_

Lieutenant James Vega becomes her only friend in the months she is under house arrest. Which is funny, considering he was supposed to be the one responsible for overseeing that she have the least amount of fun possible while confined by the Alliance.

He'll bring over a bottle of wine when his shift starts, and they'll sit down at her kitchen table playing poker and cracking jokes until the wee hours of the morning. Maybe it's because in times like these, they both need a friend who doesn't have their head stuck firmly up their ass, worrying about whatever trivial issues they can before the Reapers come knocking at their door.

The air between them doesn't even change when he kisses her. He isn't chaste about it, either. They are in the middle of a poker game when he stands up, walks over to her, grabs her neck and plants one on her. He doesn't push it any farther than that. He just goes back to his side of the table, she looks at him hard for a moment, and then they continue on with the game. It is not mentioned again that night.

When they have sex the following night, there is no passion about it. It is dutiful and to the point—like a chore. And at her climax the name she yells isn't his, which doesn't faze him. They continue on with their lives after that. It seems like nothing could break the bond that they share.

Sometimes it feels like they're both stuck here under house arrest, just waiting until they're both wiped out by sentient machines. So, when he's not there, she doesn't really do much. She usually rereads a book, or drinks, or just sits in an armchair and looks out the window of her New York apartment. Sometimes all together. Of course, she's not allowed to see anyone else, anyway. She doesn't even think James is technically allowed to do what he does—he's certainly not allowed to sleep with her—but no one says anything. Besides, even if she could see someone else, she doesn't think she has anyone left to see. Joker was in just as deep as she was, and everyone else she knew wasn't even on Earth, save maybe Kaidan. But seeing him was not an option for her.

Today is the first of March, 2186. She's looking out her window today with a glass of scotch in hand, and she sees a boy. He's maybe eight or nine, playing outside in his backyard. In his hand is what looks like a toy model of the SSV Normandy, flying high. She smiles. She rarely does that anymore.

There's a knock at her door. Since there's only one person who ever knocks at her door nowadays, she already knows who it is.

"It's open," she says.

James walks in and salutes her as the door shuts behind him.

"Commander Shepard."

She shakes her head and sets her glass down on the end table. "You're not supposed to call me that anymore, James."

"Not supposed to salute you either, Lola."

That's what he's taken to calling her now. Not 'Jane' or 'Shepard' or 'Commander', like everyone else does. Just Lola. She's never thought to ask why.

"Yeah, what's with the formality?" she asks, her brow furrowing.

"I've got orders to bring you to Admiral Anderson. Said it was important."

"Well, take me to him, soldier." She takes a few steps towards him, a sultry tone to her voice. He smiles, but shakes his head and ignores her. He turns and walks through the door, Shepard on his tail.

* * *

 _"_ _Do you love him?" is his question, as they sit on her floor, their backs leaning against her couch. There are empty beer bottles surrounding them, and two half-full ones in their hands. They're facing her breathtaking view of New York out the wall of her detention center apartment that consists entirely of windows. It's nighttime, and the twinkling lights of the sky are replaced with the flashing, colorful lights of the city, and of the cars zooming by in mid-air._

 _She tosses her head back as she takes a swig of her beer. When she's done, she shakes herself off a bit and frowns._

 _"_ _Yeah," is her response._

 _"_ _Fuckin' A…" he says._

 _"_ _Yeah," she says again._

 _"_ _I'll tell you what, I barely see the guy around. No one does, really. All the guys I see in the mess, they talk about him like he's some ghost. Sometimes somebody will see him walking in or out of Anderson's office, but that's it. I guess he's got some reputation to uphold, what with that stick up his ass."_

 _She cracks a smile at that one, but doesn't say anything more. Major Alenko has always been a touchy subject for her. He still presses her on it, though._

 _"_ _When did you…know? Y'know, that you felt that way about him?" he drinks his beer, occasionally peering up at her. She picks a spot on the New York landscape in front of her that she finds particularly interesting, and stares at it, never faltering._

 _"_ _After Akuze. I had bad injuries—physically and mentally. After I was in the infirmary for a while they put me in Psych Ward for a week or so. When I was released, I walked out onto the street to hail a taxi and found him waiting outside instead. It was raining, and he dragged me under his umbrella and into his car. He took me back to his apartment, where I stayed for the next few days. I guess he didn't want me to be alone. I had my own place I could've gone back to. He didn't need to do what he did. But he gave me my own room, and cooked all my meals and brought me coffee in the mornings. And he talked to me, too—all the time, whenever I needed it. I might not have processed it or ever acted on it, but I knew then."_

 _There is a silence between them—not at all uncomfortable, but poignant. She breaks it first._

 _"_ _James," she says._

 _"_ _Mm?"_

 _"_ _You kissed me yesterday," she states without any subtleties to her voice that might give him a hint as to what she was thinking._

 _"_ _Yeah," he says, and it comes out as more of a regretful sigh._

 _The silence returns. She breaks it again._

 _"_ _Do you think we should fuck?" She amazes him every day, but this is something on an entirely different level. Her voice has no lust-filled undertones. She asks him as if she were asking about the weather._

 _He looks at her—really looks at her, and sees how beautiful she is. All he can think now is how much he pities the Major. What a sad shell of a man he must be to be the only person Jane Shepard ever wanted, and still have it in him to reject her. James knew he sure didn't._

 _"_ _Probably," he breathes._

 _She sets down her beer bottle and kisses him, her hands gripping either side of his head. His tongue finds its way down her throat, and she moans in his mouth. After that, they don't kiss any more than they have to._

 _They clear away the beer bottles with a few sweeps of their arms and have sex on the floor—not even being bothered to move to the couch. She reflects on this later and determines that it was probably because neither one of them wanted to get comfortable._

 _After a few minutes of routine foreplay, he enters her from above, bracing his hands on either side of her on the floor. After that, he mindlessly thrusts away, keeping a steady, fast pace. And when she comes, he hears exactly what he expected to hear—The Major's name falling from her lips._

 _Although, it doesn't exactly fall, per say. She screams it. She wasn't trying to hide it from him. They both knew what this encounter was. So, he's not disappointed. He finishes inside her a few moments later, and that doesn't concern him. She'd left the pill out in the open in her bathroom for the past week or so, probably trying to forewarn him about what she was going to ask._

 _When it's done, he immediately puts his uniform back on and leaves, just in time for the end of his shift. She lays there on her cold, beer bottle-riddled floor even after he's gone, completely nude and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. She curls her knees to her chest and falls asleep right there._


	4. In the Hospital

**Notes:  
**

Thank you to everyone reading!

 _Endrius_ -Haha yeah, I know, I realized that in editing but decided to keep it for literary effect. Thanks!

 _chainline_ -That's always the goal!

* * *

 _ **4\. In the Hospital**_

She breathes deeply before walking in to find herself looking at Udina's back. She takes a few steps backwards so she doesn't feel like she's entirely intruding.

"I would like an answer, Major. Sooner rather than later. The Council could use an exceptional soldier like you." Demands Udina. Shepard furrows her brow.

"You'll have one, sir. As soon as I can." Kaidan replies. He sounds significantly more civil in his dealings with Udina than Shepard typically does.

Udina nods and turns around to walk out the door. He pauses when he and Shepard cross paths.

"Shepard." His voice is cold and bitter.

"Udina." She acknowledges as he exits the room, the doors closing behind him. "Kaidan, hi," she almost sighs, pathetically.

"Shepard, hey!" he smiles, illuminating the room. "You just missed snack time, but…maybe that's a good thing. Thanks for coming, I've been asking for you since I woke up."

"No problem," she says, sitting down in a chair next to his gurney. "What did Udina want? Still thinking about the Spectre position?"

"Well, it's a big honor," he states, unenthusiastically. "A huge responsibility; just need to be sure. I am _so_ ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't tell, but I'm tied to this bed by medical red tape." He smirks, nodding to the blanket covering him from the waist down. "I mean, Doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds just one more test to run."

"You doing okay?" she asks.

"My implant got a little…rattled. So Doc just wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal." She knows he's just trying to reassure her that it wasn't her fault he almost died. Even though it was. _It was._

"Need me to break you out?" she jokes, her voice dry and miserable.

"Ha! I'll let you know."

"Well, I'm glad you asked me to come. It's good to see you're gonna be okay," she says, hopelessly. She wants to have a longer conversation, talk to him about Horizon, what happened with Cerberus, everything— _anything_. But she finds no way to get the words out, so she settles for watching the smile on his face.

"Thanks."

"You…almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see," she reaffirms, still not wanting to leave.

"Shepard, it wasn't—" he starts, but then he takes one look at her face which glares at him, and he knows he shouldn't finish his thought. He sighs.

"I want you to be straight with me then. So, I just want to make sure, after Mars, after Horizon, you and me…we're good, right?" he asks tentatively.

She wants to be more than good. She wants to rip him right off his damn gurney and drag him aboard the Normandy to make love to him in her cabin, and have him never leave her side again. But she doesn't think now is the appropriate time to bring that up.

"We've been through hell together," she starts. "At each other's backs. That kind of bond is hard to break."

"No, not just that," he says with a tone in his voice that pleads with her to cut the bullshit. "You were my Commander, sure, but we—you listened, too. I mean…we went through Ash's death together."

Shepard is reduced to a thoughtful moment of silence. He knows in an instant the memory running through her head.

"Yeah, we did."

"So what do you say?" he sighs. "Are we good?"

"We're good. It was…great to have you back on the Normandy."

"Thanks." He looks to the side. Something's wrong. She always knows when something's wrong with him.

"What's going on? Is there something else?" she asks.

"Yeah…maybe. I've…well, I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

"Shoot." She smiles. He doesn't.

"You and…and Vega. What…what is that, really?"

The smile is wiped off her face instantaneously. He doesn't think...no. She didn't even think anyone knew they were spending time together, since they weren't supposed to be doing it in the first place. And yet here he was, confronting her about it anyway. Her mind flashes back to sex with James, and how she screamed Kaidan's name. She shudders. It didn't bother her at the time—it didn't even bother Vega. He had been well aware of her past with the Major. But now, looking at Kaidan, it felt like a betrayal. How could she even hope to explain the circumstances in which she…did what she did? She looks back on those months sometimes and doesn't even recognize herself. She was sure, if she admitted everything to Kaidan, he wouldn't either.

"We're not…I mean, we…Kaidan, God I'm sorry, I don't know. I just…I needed someone there in the nine months that I was cut off from everyone, and he was the only one that...But I don't…we're not together. It's—it's nothing. Kaidan, it's _nothing_."

He doesn't respond at first, just looks out the window. When he speaks, he starts slow.

"I meant…I meant to come visit you, Jane. I did. But I just never found the right time. I know that sounds pathetic. And by the time I started seriously considering it I heard rumors about you two and I just…I didn't man up, and maybe that's my fault. "

"It's…it's fine, really. But whatever you heard…"

"Jane, stop. You don't need to worry about trying to keep what happened from me. I've already talked to James. I just…needed to hear it from you."

She stiffens. What would Vega have told him? She trusted the man with everything that she was, but he might not have known enough to omit the time they slept together, or…or who she had been thinking of when they did. Or…or did he actually revel in the fact that he had fucked the great Commander Shepard in her weakest state? Did he give gruesome detail? Did he…no. No, he wouldn't have. _Jesus, Shepard_. She takes deep breaths.

"Look, Kaidan…"

"We should talk about Horizon," he says, affirmatively, glad to have found a way to easily change the subject.

She lets out an exasperated, "Yes."

"Jane, I…" he looks down at his hands that he's wringing in his lap, as if to hide sudden emotion showing on his features. "I tried to explain…everything, in that letter, I wrote…so many versions of that damn thing…."

He looks up at her. Her furrowed brow tells him what he needs to know.

"But it didn't help. I get it. I…damn it." He takes a moment for a deep breath. "I see how fucking blind I was, Shepard, and I hate myself for it. Garrus followed you. Tali followed you, and Joker. Hell—Liara gave you to them! She gave your body to Cerberus to save you, to bring you back, and I…"

She sees the tears falling and sits there, trying to think of what to do or say to make anything better.

"I…I was sitting there doing nothing," he continues. "You were _alive_ , after those two years of absolute hell. You were standing there in the flesh, talking and smiling and… _breathing_ , and I had nothing but _hate_ for you. I could have had you back, Jane. I could have had you back right then and there. What a fucking idiot."

"You were right," she interjects. "You were right about Cerberus anyway, you—"

"That's not the point. Cerberus didn't matter. The Alliance didn't matter. The Normandy was back, the crew was back, and you were _alive_. That should have been enough for me. I should have dropped everything to be with you. Should have been there when you took down the Collectors, when you stopped the Reaper Invasion, when they discharged you—the bastards. Now I'm a Major in the Alliance with the promise of a fancy Spectre position, and nothing to show for it. No Normandy, no you."

"That's not true," she said, grabbing his hands with a small smile. "You get out of here, you get your ass right back on the Normandy. That's an order, Major."

He stared blankly at her for quite a while.

"You…after all this, you…want me back on the crew? I never thought…I mean, after what I said…" he trailed off.

She wasn't sure what to say in response. Horizon was perhaps the worst memory of her entire existence, but after almost losing him on Mars, she wasn't going to complain.

"Jane, I…I know it's been three years. And I know you may have…moved on." He hesitated, remembering James. "But I think about us and that night before Ilos every day of my goddamn pathetic life. I remember you and your smile and your laugh and your…God, your hair…" his hand reaches out to gently grab at a few red strands. "I remember everything. And I loved you. And I _love_ you. And if you don't want… _this_ anymore, I understand. I've fucked up royally. But you should know that I do. And for me, there will never be anyone else. They just wouldn't be…you."

It is her turn to stare blankly back at him, with the occasional blink of her mossy eyes. He _loves_ her. After Horizon, he still loves her, and wants her. All she remembers later is laying her head down on top of their entwined hands and crying.


	5. About Vega

_**5\. About James**_

"We should get back to the Normandy." She says simply, as they sit outside the steakhouse. She wipes around her mouth with her napkin, careful not to touch her lipstick, and stands up in front of his chair.

Kaidan turns to face her and grabs a hold of her hips in an instant. She freezes as his fingers travel down to the back of her thighs, drawing her ever closer to him.

"Shepard, can I tell you something?" he asks, his voice is distant, as if he's in a world entirely of his own.

"Mm?" is her response. He takes a beat.

"I want to fuck you right now." His voice is low enough that no one at a nearby table would hear, but his words reverberate in her brain over and over again, driving her insane.

"We should… get back to the Normandy." Is her thoughtful response.

* * *

They kiss the entire elevator ride up to her cabin. She drags him into her quarters, but as the door shuts he grabs her hand firmly and stops in his tracks, preventing her from moving any closer to the bed.

"Would you have shot me?" is the question that comes from his lips. It's like an afterthought, something he hadn't really thought relevant until now. She shakes her head.

"Wha—Kaidan? What are you…?"

"Would you. Have shot me." He says his words more carefully now, making sure she understands every syllable. His grip on her hand is unwavering.

"…No. No, I couldn't have. But Garrus would have. So I'm glad you decided to stand down when you did." Her demeanor has turned cold and bitter. She thinks that this was what he wanted to confront her about all along, and used the promise of sex to deceive her. She wants to let go of his hand now, but he doesn't allow her to.

He walks toward her, his gaze making her feel more and more like his prey by the second. She stands her ground. He intertwines his fingers with her other hand now that the distance has been closed between them.

"Garrus is rather loyal to you." He says, in a new, cold tone that she doesn't like on him. She notices now his clouded-over eyes. How long have they been that way? And she can feel the distinct hum of his biotics that may have very well kicked in a long time ago. Kaidan was not himself.

"He is." She responds. "But I don't want to talk about—"

"Were you with him, when you took down the Collectors?"

"Yes, you know that. He was on Horizon, he had my back from the—"

"No," he corrects her. "Were you _with_ him?" he punctuates the word _with_ by grinding his hardened member into her core as he places his lips on her neck.

"I…no. No, _Kaidan,_ he's a good friend." She finds it more difficult to breathe now, as she feels heat pooling between her thighs. It doesn't do anything to quell her annoyance, though.

"I would understand if you were, you know. He's a good man. And he adores you."

"We weren't." she's more firm now.

"You lied to me, back in the hospital. About Vega. But I suppose I can understand why you did. If I'm correct, what happened was a bit of a scandal, wasn't it?" his breath is hot against her neck, and she feels his smirk.

"What are you— "

"But I'd be lying if I said the idea of you screaming my name while another man is inside you doesn't turn me on quite a bit."

"Stop it!" she screams, and gathers enough force to push him a few feet away from her.

His eyes slowly regain their natural color, and the light shade of blue that was starting to glow from his hands evaporates. His face crumbles.

"Jane, I—I'm sorry, I wasn't—"

"God fucking damn it, Kaidan! Just stop! Vega and I had a fucking one-night stand! And you know what? I enjoyed it! And I'm allowed to, because _you_ left _me_! Who I did and did not fuck in that year that you weren't _fucking there_ is none of your goddamn business. I suggest you remember that."

"I didn't mean—"

"I can't believe you went and fucking _asked_ him about it. You disgust me."

"Jane, please just—"

"Now get over here and fuck me like you promised." She says without hesitation, without filter.

He feels his pants tighten, and he represses a groan at her nonchalant attitude. He storms over to her and his hands are unzipping the back of her dress and pulling the straps over her shoulders. He pulls her out of it, and rips her lacy black bra off—the clasps breaking and falling on the ground. She rolls her eyes at that. He does the same with her panties, tearing them completely in half.

She grabs the base of his neck and pulls him towards her, attaching her lips to his in a fiery kiss. He backs her up until her ass hits her desk, and he lifts her so she's sitting on it.

"I want to know what he did to you. I want to know if he touched you like _this."_ He says against her kiss, and a finger slips inside her as his biotics flare. She whines. "Did he?"

She shakes her head no, and he grins, sticking another finger in and massaging in a languid pace.

"That's right—he's not a biotic. What a shame." He says. She moans his name.

He's on his knees now, removing his fingers and grinning wickedly up at her.

"And did he taste you?"

His tongue hits her core and she shrieks.

"Hm?" he hums against her.

"Y-yes." She manages. She doesn't know why she tells him the truth.

It only prompts him to close his entire mouth around her and do goddamn _sinful_ things with it. When he's done, he stands up and kisses her, planting her own taste in her mouth.

"And did he do _that?"_ She nods yes again, and he smiles a bit.

"Didn't know he had it in him." He moves on to assault her neck.

He enters her as fast as he can after that. Their strangled cries blend together. It's been three years since… _this,_ this piece of heaven. His pace is fast from the start—he knows neither of them will last long.

When he releases inside of her they sort of collapse on each other, and he buries his nose in the crook of her neck, enveloping himself in her scent.

"Why did you have to sleep with him?" He asks, in this muffled, sort of quiet, shy, desperate tone. For the first time in as long as she's known him, he reminds her of a child.

"Because he reminded me of you." She answers simply and honestly.

When she hears his muffled sobbing, she reassuringly kisses his shoulder as his arms tighten around her. And after three years, it finally feels like everything between them could be all right.


	6. The Wall

**_6\. The Wall_**

"Shepard!" Miranda shrieks, sending Henry Lawson through the glass window behind him with one biotic burst of power. The glass shreds his skin to an unrecognizable degree. Miranda collapses back to the ground, holding the bullet wound on her side with her hand. The use of her biotics sent her over the edge.

Shepard rushes over to her, holding one of her hands and supporting her head with her other. She moves her hand slightly to uncover the wound. It's awful, and that's a kind word for it. The blood has stained through most of her white latex outfit on her hip, making it look even more gruesome than it truly is.

"Miranda?" Oriana already has tears rushing down her cheeks. "Miranda, I'm sorry."

"Sshh…" Miranda's breath is hitched; she's fighting to stay alive to say her last words. She was always stubborn. "Listen to me. L-listen. I wanted you to have a normal life. M-marriage, children. Things I could n-never have." She grunts in pain.

"He told me all about you. Thank you for saving me."

"Y-you deserve a life…Oriana. Nngh!" Her breathing gets heavier and hitches. "Shepard!" Miranda finds the strength to raise her free hand to Shepard's face, confirming she is there by her side.

"I'm here." Tears are already streaming down Shepard's face. She tries to hide them for Miranda's sake, but it's no use.

"Before Kai Leng left…I planted a trace on him."

Shepard forces a laugh. "A trace! You thought of everything."

Miranda shakes her head. "No. Not everything. Nobody's perfect." She manages the closest thing to a smile she possibly could. "But at least Ori is safe."

"I've never met anyone like you, Miranda." Shepard shakes her head.

"N-no, you haven't." Miranda assures her. "Keep Ori safe. Keep the Normandy safe. For me, p-please."

"I will."

"Shepard, y-you need to know, the time I spent on the Normandy…" she grunts. "W-was the best of my life." she exerts incredible energy to say her last words.

She falls limp in Shepard's arms. Oriana panics.

"Miranda?" Her timid whisper turns to a scream. "Miranda!"

She's screaming and crying and mourning over her sister's dead body, and Liara rushes over to comfort the girl, holding her in her arms.

Shepard doesn't say anything. After a moment of staring blankly into Miranda Lawson's lifeless eyes, she pushes herself off the ground and storms outside onto the patio.

She looks out at the sunset as the tears fall. She kicks a chair over, and then pushes a table over with it. Kaidan's there almost instantaneously, taking her in his arms as she pounds violently against his chest, her screams drowning out Oriana's inside.

She's still screaming as the shuttle lands to take them back to the Normandy. As the shuttle starts up again, she can hear Miranda's voice, broadcasted through every open channel nearby and on Horizon, through the building, through the shuttle, even through the Normandy.

"Listen to me: This is _not_ a refugee camp. Turn back now. This is a Cerberus facility run by my father, Henry Lawson…"

* * *

Miranda Lawson's plaque goes up on the wall on a Sunday. Shepard decides to put it up herself, despite the offers from Garrus to do it for her. There's a spot for it right under Mordin's. She can't even bring herself to cry.

Miranda will never grow old, never get married, never hold her sister again. She's nothing but a corpse and a memory. Death is sudden. Death is unforgiving. There is nothing romantic about it, not like what they tell you in vids or books. You can't survive in a memory. In the end, all you are is a fleeting thought in someone else's head. That's not living. That is, plainly put, death.

She hears tears behind her as she goes to attach it to the wall. She turns her head.

"Joker?" she asks. The pilot is there in front of her, baseball cap hiding his red-brimmed eyes and tear-stained face.

"Commander." He manages. "I know I don't come down for most of these things, but…" he looks to the side.

She understands.

"Just…" his tears are now visible and audible. " _Miranda_ , Shepard."

"I know, Joker."

"No, no you don't. I mean, you do, but you don't. You're out there, in the middle of all this action, witnessing it first-hand. You at least get to _see_ these people before…, I mean, you have some closure, you know? Me, I just hear about it. I ask EDI about the casualties over the intercom after every mission so I don't have to ask you. I mean, you don't know how that feels, Shepard. To hear Mordin's or Thane's or Miranda's name over the intercom, because they're on the list of the dead. How long will it be until I hear 'Garrus', or 'Liara', or 'Kaidan', Shepard? How long until it's just you and me against the whole damn Reaper fleet? _How many more people do we have to lose, goddamn it_?!" He violently kicks the metal elevator door behind him, punctuating his outburst.

Shepard just stares at him, silently understanding his pain. He leaves soon after, and another plaque goes up.

* * *

She and Kaidan don't have sex in the weeks following. Instead, most nights, she falls asleep crying in his arms. When she's passed out, Kaidan will slip away down to the Mess to grab coffee so he can finish his work in his office. Tonight, though, he doesn't. Mug in hand, his feet carry him to the wall—he doesn't know why. He finds himself placing a hand on Ash's plaque, and bowing his head.


	7. Lost

**Notes:**

I am so sorry for the delay in updating. I went back to school this past week, and was on vacation before that, and just couldn't get to writing.

On another note, this is the final chapter I had planned for this set of drabbles. I imagine this will in fact be the last, in the interest of limiting what I will have to write while I'm in school. I've received a lot of enthusiasm for this fic which I'm very grateful for. If you enjoyed it, I encourage you to check out my other work, and keep your eyes peeled for more one-shots and drabble collections like this through the fall season. Thanks for reading! :-)

* * *

 _ **7.**_ _ **Lost**_

She thinks she must have checked the data on the Cerberus base ten times already. She's going insane, and needs a damn drink. She's pacing in her cabin when she throws her datapad on her bed with every intention of going down to the bar.

When she opens the doors, however, she's greeted by Kaidan who, like always, seems to know exactly what she needs. He's carrying a bottle of scotch and two glasses in his hands, and wearing a winning smile.

He looks at her like she's the most beautiful thing in the world. And she doesn't deserve that, not by a long shot.

"Ah, can't sleep?" he asks, already knowing the answer.

"No." she sighs and leans against the side of the door. He walks in past her.

"Making yourself crazy with this won't help."

"Kaidan, I need to—"

"Shh. Take a break. Just a quick drink." He assures her.

Well, she tried.

She follows him down the quick set of stairs as the door closes behind her, and takes a glass from him.

"Shepard…you know you've done everything you could, right?" he looks at her, seeing something in her that she just can't imagine.

"I hope so. I've been running the numbers to see if I've missed something."

"Hey," he stops her as she reaches for the bottle of scotch that he placed on the end table. "You don't have to take this all on yourself. Look to your crew, to the talented people fighting at your side."

She nods and he releases her wrist, letting her grab the scotch and pour them both drinks. She slumps down on the couch and Kaidan follows, sitting to face her. He continues.

"What you've done since the Reapers arrived is…it's just nothing short of amazing. It's gonna be…" he sighs, and briefly looks to the side, as if searching for an answer, then back to her. "It's gonna be what it is."

Shepard adjusts herself to stick her head closer to his, to peer into his eyes. "What are you thinking about right now?" she asks with a smile and a bite of her lip.

He chuckles. "Oh I don't know…the good times, and then the hard times. It's been an unforgettable few years."

He smiles grimly for a moment, and then looks back at her. "Shepard, I…I'm so sorry for turning my back on you. For choosing my hatred for Cerberus over…over being with you again."

"Turns out you were right anyhow." She says, nonchalantly.

He stills for a moment.

"Do you know what I did, when Joker told me you had died?"

Realization washes over her, and she reaches out to him.

"Kaidan, don't—"

"I punched him. I broke his jaw, Shepard. I blamed him. He's my best friend, and I remember wanting to kill him. And I blamed everyone else on the crew right along with him. I was so full of…just bitter hatred and rage after you were gone. I didn't speak to anyone from the Normandy. Not once. Garrus tried to invite me out for drinks a couple times, and I just kept ignoring his vid mails. So I spent most of my days with Anderson. He'd try to get me back on my feet, to make me feel like a human being again, but he couldn't. I don't think I wanted to. I think I wanted to have died in that attack, Shepard."

"Kaidan, you don't need to…"

"You still don't get it, Shepard. I would sit in my apartment at night with a bottle of whiskey that would be finished by morning and a pistol on the table in case I happened to want to blow my brains out. On the rare occasion that I went to sleep, I'd wake up covered in sweat and screaming your name, after seeing you disintegrated in a flash of light as the Normandy blew up. Once I…I hired a girl with red hair, and fucked her just to feel something again. Your death had seemed so pointless and so spontaneous, like you had never even existed in the first place. Like I had never kissed you, or…or felt your skin on mine, or known how you felt around me. The Alliance wanted to clean themselves of you as fast as they could. Well, everyone except Anderson. They wanted a dead war hero whose file was safely gathering dust in a filing cabinet somewhere, so they no longer had to be bothered about the destruction of the Destiny Ascension. After a while, I found that maybe it was just easier to have that mindset. To pretend that you never existed and feel nothing one way or the other about it. So I continued on with them. And _then_ you found me on Horizon. _That's_ what you missed in two years, Shepard. That's how I coped with your loss. I didn't, is the short answer. I was lost without you, Shepard, and I'm not proud of it, but you needed to know."

He's kissing her now, placing his drink on the end table so his hands can cup her cheeks. He breaks away for a minute and leans his forehead on hers.

"I lied. I didn't come here for a quick drink."

She pushes him to the back of the couch, straddling him and kissing him, and she doesn't stop, not for anything—not for the whole universe, she wouldn't.

"Kaidan," She breathes.

"Mm?" The sound comes from against her lips.

"I love you."

"I love you too. I've always loved you," he starts kissing down her neck. "Through all these years, through…through everything." His breath hitches in the back of his throat. "I'm the luckiest man alive…"

When he slows his kisses, her eyes sadden, and she begins to push away.

"Please don't." Is his request as his hands tighten around her waist. "I need you tonight. Please."

She smiles sadly as she kisses his lips.

His arms wrap around her as he stands up, and her legs wrap around his waist. They're kissing, and she's silently begging him not to ever stop. She wants to feel every inch of him, let him consume her entire being. She wants his scent to be her scent, his body to be hers. She can never have too much of him. She threads her hands into his dark hair as they tumble onto the bed, Kaidan on top of her.

He removes his shirt and kisses her again before working on hers, as fast as he possibly can. When she's bare in front of him, she moves to take off his pants as he climbs on top of her, stroking her red hair that's sprawled over the white pillow and making sure that their lips have the utmost contact.

When he's inside of her, she screams out in ecstasy and latches her fingers into his back, digging into his skin. She's crying, but he kisses away the tears as he thrusts, almost violently.

It's now that she realizes there was never a time that she didn't want him. Not even before Eden Prime, or being assigned to the Normandy. Hell, even before she met him, she was lost. Lost searching for _anything_ that would tell her life was worth living. That hope was worth hoping for, that battles were worth fighting. The exact time or day she met him is blurry. Probably the first day at some Alliance training camp, but she supposes it doesn't matter. It's all blended in with the rest of her life, like he was always there by her side anyway. He was always damned there and she's always damned loved him, the bastard.

She can't remember how many times he's told her he loves her tonight, but at the rate he's saying it into her ear, she's guessing it's nearing on a hundred. He's kissing everything that is her, her lips, her cheek, her eyelids, her neck, collarbone, breasts.

She doesn't even remember when it ends. She just remembers _him._

Of course, it's the same dream again. Why wouldn't it be? Especially now.

Ash and the rest are even louder.

"Shepard," They all say. And it doesn't stop there.

"That's bull! I'm setting the bomb to go off. Go get Alenko, and get the hell off this- Kalahira, mistress of the sea, grant me strength to-Shepard Commander, does this unit have a soul—Nobody's perfect—Had to be me, someone else might have gotten it—Sorry, Shep-Get the hell out of here, SHEPARD!"

Their screams for her all ring out in her ear at once. The faces flash through her brain. Then, of course, she's in the forest. She sees the child a bit ahead of her. She's never had the chance to think about what might happen if she _didn't_ chase him. Because, hell, it's a dream.

She can hear the sound of Reapers up above, and the forest goes red. She sees the dark shadows of everyone she failed, and as always, pushes through them to get to the boy.

Something's changed-that's the first thing she's noticed. The boy isn't looking up at her or combusting on the spot. He's running to someone else, someone she can't see. But whoever they are, they're kneeling on the ground, arms spread for him, body covered in shadow. She walks forward a bit to see their face clearer. It's a woman, in what looks like an Alliance uniform, their face hidden. She sees the flames start up now, engulfing the child and the woman. The woman slowly lifts her face. The light from the flames give her just enough definition to see the woman's features.

It's when her very own green eyes stare daggers back at her that she screams, jerking up in bed a little.

The first thing she sees is the stars above through the large skylight above her bed. Kaidan's passed out next to her, and she can see she's been sleeping on his outstretched arm.

She doesn't say anything, doesn't wake up the man sleeping next to her. It just occurs to her that she's never really looked out this window, up at the stars. Out onto the dark abyss above, littered with small flickers of light that she's sworn to protect. God, but it looks so peaceful from here…

She's never been one for religion. Never seemed like it had a place in her line of work, what with all that she's seen. But she decides now that if there is something or some sort of God out there, that this would be the strongest argument for it. This…this picture of all creation, all life everywhere summed up with a black background and little twinkling spots of light, where all the music needed to accompany it is the hum of the engine running, and the Normandy sailing among the stars.

She exhales and lifts her head softly from Kaidan's arm, pushing the sheets off her body quietly and just sitting nude on the edge of the bed, looking at the floor.

Her attempts to let Kaidan sleep were clearly for naught, as he stretches and blinks his eyes open to look at his lover across the bed.

"Hey…" he yawns. "What's up?"

She doesn't speak for a few moments. She doesn't know. She wants to tell him everything she's ever thought.

"…Are we gonna make it, Kaidan? It's funny…from here, it doesn't really seem like the world is ending." She looks again to the stars, and he follows her gaze.

After a beat, he moves over closer so that he's looking over her shoulder at her.

"You've created the vision, Jane. You've brought the people together, the technology, the resources. But above all, what you've created…is hope. There's no one else that could have done what you did."

"I'm glad I inspire that in you…but sometimes…" she sighs, and runs her hand down his chest. "You know what, you're right. Gave us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves." She chuckles softly and grabs his chin to kiss him, but he pushes her hand aside.

"Don't. Don't say things you don't believe. Not to me. You know, you don't take any for yourself. Hope, that is. This crew may believe that you mean those grandiose promises of victory you give them, but I sure don't. Come here."

He grabs her and flips her so she's underneath him, and kisses her with the passion he did last night. He grabs every inch of her he can, and kisses the rest, and her eyes water as he does.

She's going to die tomorrow, she thinks.

And he's right, that's what she was missing. Hope. It wasn't that she didn't think they were ready or prepared. They were; she had faith in everyone. But faith isn't the same as hope. Hope required that she hadn't witnessed the death of her friends on Virmire, or the Collector Base, or Tuchanka, Horizon, The Citadel or anywhere else. That she hadn't been there when Earth fell; when Thessia fell. That she hadn't seen every colonist abducted by Collectors reduced into grey paste and turned into a Reaper abomination. In essence, hope required that she hadn't seen everything that's told her everyone she's ever met and loved will die by the Reapers' hands, just as sure as the sun will set tomorrow.

And so will she.

But looking at him helps. Looking at anyone she loves who is still left standing helps. And sometimes, if she tries to remember them as people and not as corpses, thinking of the friends she's lost helps too. Miranda once told her that all she ever wanted was to be remembered. Maybe…maybe the dead are all better off. She used to think that was just something she told herself to confirm that anything was better than the hell the Reapers had created for the living, or just to lessen the pain of remembering the dead, but not anymore. Now, it seems like they really might be.

She opens her eyes to look at Kaidan's lust-filled brown ones and decides, all at once, that she wants to give this man the universe.


End file.
